the fat man.

So, every year my mom gets this crazy idea that i need to sit on a big fat man's lap, all dressed in red, and begg for more treats.  he's okay n all.  he's got very soft white hands, and a nice fluffy chewtoy dangling from his chin!  this year, i decided to ask the "clause" for my own website...since momma told him i already have a blog.  he laughed at me!  well...paybacks can be deadly...i left him a fartsy present on his nice soft, red lap.

The first photo is courtesy of my mom's advancing photoshop skills.  she wasn't crazy about PetSmart's cardboard backdrop.

Everybody was making fun of me because I wore green.  They all said I should be wearing red.  But my mom and I are one step ahead of the rest.  We know that in red...I'd blend in with the fat guy.  Duh.

my mom was real impressed with PetSmart's volunteer services this year at the Santa boothe.  This woman was crazy!  She kept fixing and primping my sleeve!  Doesn't she know I'm a dog, and I'm supposed to have wrinkles?  This tickled my mom's fancy, and she had to take photos of my personal dress-room assistant experience.  Man...if this is what it takes to be in show business...

Here I am asking "the Clause" for my own website.

 Here I am going in for the big "chew" on the beard.  Okay...I lie.  I was going in for some smooches.  A little "kissing" up to SantaPaws before Christmas never hurt.  Does this make me gay? 

helloooo, ladies!

My mom made a blog award for all of the ladies out there, just for being a girl!  We don't understand rules for awards just yet, so we don't have any rules attached to this award.  We just want to give it out to all of our "girlfriends" out there in doggie-bloggie world (and those who blog as themselves...human girls that is..).  So grab it up and post away to your blogs!  Happy Holidays my fabulous bitches!

brrr...it's cold outside.

well...it usually gets pretty chilly in California by the beach this time of year, but i have NEVER experienced cold like this.  it's still pretty fun though.  mom brought my warm coats and jackets with us in the move, and it felt nice to run around today, while still feeling pretty warm.  with the cold air comes some new fragrances in the air...plenty of smells to keep my nose busy!  the chickens across the street don't wake us up anymore because they went away on a truck one day.  my mom was NOT happy about that.  she's vegetarian and stuff.  but now we have those pesky cows that i like to bark at and mom just adores.  she takes me over each morning to the fence line where they stand around like a bunch of heffers.(haha)  i tell them, "heffers, make sure you understand that this is MY side of the fence, and that is YOURS.  now you stay right there and eat your own grass!"  i swear i saw one of the large ones, fully engaged in chomping on a rather large mound of grass, actually roll his eyes at me!  the nerve of those heffers.

run for joy!

okay, can we go back inside now?

smells in the air.

hello post in the ground.  trip anyone lately?

one leg up for mom's christmas tree.

whew!  stand on hind legs, throw my front legs up in the air, and wave those paws like i just don't care...i  have been BEGGING my mom to log on for me!  but, nevertheless, she has been busy with something called finals?  she is happy when finals are over, but i say it sounds more like death.  you know..."FI-NAL"?

anyway...not much has been going on...well except for the day when my mom jumped up and down, flailing her arms around the house...doing some sort of christmas dance after she peered through the window one day to find our new tree on the porch.  well...that's what she said anyway.  a tree.  but to me, it looked like a long skinny cardboard box that i decided to welcome into our house by lifting my leg on it..yunno...the usual AL-BERT greeting.  "Welcome to my abode cardboard box...I mean...'tree'. "

So I sat on the staircase watching my mom unpack, one at a time, these prickly pieces from the cardboard box, placing one on top of eachother until all that building resembled a giant...well...tree!  The whole time, she plucked and bent the branches, singing along to stuff she must have been hearing through that square device she calls an EYE-PHONE (I don't know why, cause far as i know, it doesn't have eyes).

my mom did a pretty good job putting all that shiny stuff up on there, and right when she plugged it in...it lit up real bright.  i sniffed while admiring the new addition from down at mom's feet and was about to christen it with my special little "Albert" touch, until mom spanked my behind, waved her finger at me, looked me straight in the eye and said..."don't you even think about peeing on my tree!" 

well...i guess that was that. 

welcome to the dog house.

that new cat that followed the other human home has become a real pain in my tail.  she thinks she's a dog.  each time my mom takes me out to pee, the fur-ocious feline follows us out there and takes a poop right in the middle of the wood chips!  and if she sees me run off into the huge backyard, she runs after me.  more like hops.  how ever does she get that high anyway?  now she's into climbing trees and just yesterday she learned how to jump up on the stove.  the humans got so mad cause they left a cheese burger in the pan and that crazy cat had eaten 1/3 of it by the time they caught her.  i guess in a sense i can say i rather admire her.  i wish I could get away with that. she's pretty clever.  all in all, i'm still trying to get used to being no longer an only child up in this house...but i guess there's room for another four-legged one.  after all...it is rather comical to watch the humans get mad and chase the cat around the house slapping a giant dishtowel around after her!

and the award for most original goes to.....

ME!  Yay!  I won my first Howl-O-Ween costume contest over at Daisy Dog's blog!  Here is the link to my category.  I'm so grateful for the careful judging and consideration!  The winners get to select their favorite dog or kittie rescue to which a donation will be made on behalf of each of the winners from the three categories!  what a pawsomely fun way to celebrate howl-o-ween. 

i'd like to thank Daisy Dog, Dozer, Mango and Dennis, the fine and uber sophisticated panel of k-9 judges.  i'd like to thank my mom for taking the time to paint my body and keep me from smudging my makeup that day.  i'd also like to thank my mom for celebrating by letting me on the bed with her and the other human in what she calls a "happiness sandwhich".  yay!

my life-long ambition...

     my mom has been telling me for a long time now that i'd be a very good therapy dog.  she said i could visit children's hospitals and retirement facilities.  this would be so much fun, but my mom keeps talking about it and can't find out how to start this.  she spends hours on the internet and all she finds is web sites where we can buy me a therapy dog outfit (yunno, so people will know i'm a therapy dog).  i like wearing clothes that make me look distinguished, and so this would make me look very important.  but we dont know how to get set up with the places to visit.  if any-dogy out their is currently a therapy dog, can you please give us some advice on how to start?  thanks.  it's my dream to be a therapy dog and help people feel better with my unique and hairless nature.

Albert E. Hairless

a dog's nose...

knows.

howl-o-ween

okay, so Daisy Dog is having a really kewl howl-o-ween costume contest.  there are some pretty big names up there on the judges panel.  i made a submission and i've got my paws crossed!  here is the foto i submitted of me in my Army costume.  let all the hairy dogs out there gush because no one could pull off a full-on camo paintjob the way a hairless dog can!  yeah!

wish me luck!

i'm sorry to all my blogging friends out there in doggie land for my disappearance.

yes.  i've been missing.  well no, not actually missing.  i've been all over actually.  but not on da computer.  okay.  here's what happened.  we got a cat.  just when i was happy to be the only child in the house, we have to get a cat!  ooooo..i'm so mad.  i mean...i get along pretty well with cats but this one is a YOUNG cat.  and it has too much energy and meowwws all the time...oooo i hate it!  it wont let me sleep!  then it tries to steal my food and always tries to rub up against me and even sit in my bed.  THAT is a no-no.  i can't allow some other critter to come in and just act like she owns the place! 

so...i've been busy teaching this youngster the rules of MY kingdom.  the rules are outlined as follows in this nice letter i've written to the cat:

dear annoying new cat,

here are some rules that will ensure your survival in this family:

1.  the only person to sleep in Albert's bed is Albert.

2.  the only person to eat out of Albert's food dish is Albert.

3.  when Albert is sitting up on the chair next to mom, cats are not ALLOWED to climb aboard.

4.  please don't mistake my mom's fingers for food.  she gets real upset.

5.  all meow-ing must stop by midnight, sharp.

6.  my tail is not a toy.  the humans provided you a scratch pad for that.

7.  cats are supposed to do their business in the litter box provided by humans.  they are NOT to follow Albert around the yard and try to do their business next to his.

8.  the computer keyboard is meant for the humans to type on and Albert.  no kitties allowed!  it messes up my blog posts before i have the chance to hit "publish".
9.  though shall not follow mom to the mailbox everyday.  that's Albert's job.
10.    while you must stay here, you're only job is to kill the insects that fly near me. 

thanx,
and welcome to the family.  now remember, that i am boss.
sincerely,
Albert E. Hairless

this one's for Dennis...

howl-o-ween

so i've been thinking about what to go as for howl-o-ween.  i keep askin mom to pleez let it be something warm so i dont have to freeze my tail off.  anyhow, she was thinking about me going as a pot roast.  i was afraid though that trick-or-treaters might get confused and not realize that i'm a dog and eat me by accident...nope, too dangerous i told her.  sides, it appears as if some other mutt came up with the idea first:

and he doesn't look very happy cause i think that other dog is trying to steal his carrots.

brrrr...it's getting chilly out there...i'm freezing my tail off!

i haven't posted in a few days.  i haven't made poopie outside in a few days neither.  it's been a busy weekend!  first, the yard humans came and dug up my yard.  don't they know that's MY job?  so, they laid hay down too, but at least they cut the grass all over and so now i can run faster...yipppeee! 

it's been getting chilly outside though lately and i dont like to poop out there when it rains, cause i'm from LA and dont really understand why water falls from the sky here yet.  but because its cold, mom started putting on my winter shirts cause i shiver all the time, yunno...bein' hairless an' all.  mom says i look like Waldo (whoever the heck he is) in my green and white striped shirt.  i think i look rather dashing, cause if it was a girlie shirt, i wouldn't let the cows across the street see me in it.  yunno...i got to look all tough when i go out to bark at them. 

anyhow, after the yard humans left, i had fun surveying my territory with the other human who lives with us. mom gets all camera happy each time he picks me up and snuggles me cause she says he lets on like he's not really into dogs that much.  but i know a secret cause he tells me all the time how much he loves me...shhhh.  don't tell. so mom took these pictures of me in my shirt with the other human.

yay. i finally have my own Facebook fan page!

Albert E. Hairless

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Albert E. Hairless on Facebook

this is one of my favorite dance routines.

because she's hot and he keeps trying to cop a feel...makes me wanna pant...hahahahahaha...

howl-o-ween dance.

okay...make me barf.

i wonder how much money this guy makes.  he should go on dancing with the starz.  i think he's a human dressed as a golden.

kewl website.

since my mom is going to school to learn how to make nice websites, we sit around sometimes and look for inspiration and fun websites that look great.  i like this time cause i get to cuddle on mom's lap in front of the computer and let her take hold of the mouse for a change.  here is one we found today that we really like and because it has to do with dogs (well a book about dogs), i thought i'd share it with all of you!  you can see the talking bulldog for yourself at the full website:  http://www.gooddogsbadnames.com/

yay! it's laundry day!

mom usually isn't quite so happy to do laundry, but i luv it!  my favorite time is right after she takes the clothes out of the big tumbly thing, she puts it in this big plastic thing with holes on the sides and i like to jump right in and sit on top of all the warm clothes!  mom gets upset if i hadn't had my bath yet and i do this cause she says i can stink up her hard work.  so she usually gives me a bath before she gives the clothes a bath, yunno?  well anyway...here is a picture of me from a long time ago when we still lived in LA and mom got behind on the clothes and wahooo!  it was a good day for me!

tough guys for us.

so my mom started making all kinds of funny sounds and jumping around the living room one day when she saw the previews on tv for this new show where tatooed motorcycle dudes crack down on the mean people out there who abuse us.  my mom doesn't look like a tough kind of chick, but people don't know what they're dealing with when they meet her.  she has a heart like those tough tatted dudes on tv.  anyhow, she couldn't wait for it to come on tv, and now she records it so she can watch it lots more.  i watch it with her just for the heck of it. 

but then i realized, this is so much better than animal cops.  that show makes mom cry a whole lot.  but this show is about justice too and getting even but also helping people who just dont understand about taking care of us non-humans.  and so i approve.  i like it.  it's a good show.  but mom really likes that Batso guy who's like 75 and full of tattoos and has a funny moustache.  but i like Big Ant.  cause he likes kitties and really teeny people like me.  well, i'm actually not teeny, but i'm not like a big pit bull like what Batso has.  but it's a good show, so all you dogs out there should watch.  maybe we can all get together and have like what the humans call a super bowl party (and now i know why they call it super bowl, cause there are so many bowls of food on the table that day) but instead it would be for us all to get together and play with chew toys while we watch this new show, Rescue Ink.

bulldogs, beer and baloney.

so i guess now that we moved to Georgia, i gotta bark for the home team, but that's okay cause they're the bulldogs and that's better than the tigers or the lions or anything else that could eat me.  the bulldogs are one of my own, yunno?  so my mom picked me up this really cool jersey to wear on saturdays when she and the other human sit on the couch, turn up the speakers really loud and drink that smelly stuff in the bottle that i tried once, and got tipsy, and kept fallin' all over my mom's lap.  whew!  i wont do THAT again.  mom said it was a lesson to teach me not to drink irresponsibly, so like many parents, she wanted to be the first to give me my first sip, yunno?  but that's okay, she wont have to worry cause though i liked it at first, it was too weird.  i dont know why the humans drink that stuff anyway, cause they act all goofy when they do but that's okay too cause mom lets me have more treats.  i think she forgets and loses count how many she gives me.  i specially like when people come over cause i get more treats then too cause mom likes me to show off my tricks.  ill do anything for a treat and i'm always learning new dance moves, even though i'm older, so that saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is just baloney.  ooo...that reminds me...i'm really hungry...gotta go bye.

here i am in photoshop with my new jersey on.

love at first sniff.

poor dudes.

sucks to be these guys.

the poo incident.

okay, so one thing mom's not quite good at is training dogs.  don't get me wrong...she's an excellent dog groomer...all the pooches love her...but we all take advantage of her kindness.

 i don't really know what makes me do it...but sometimes i just get the urge to make poop on the floor.  i don't do it on the carpet, cause i think that would make mom blazing mad, but she usually just whispers to me not to tell the other human who lives with us, and she proceeds to clean it up.  i think she's actually happy that i'm smart enough to drop my doodies on the bathroom tiled floor rather than the carpet.  after all, she says it's easier to clean up.  but something happened last night that i'll never forget.

i had to go, man...and really bad.  mom was busy making dinner in the kitchen for her and the other human.  so off i went, into the bathroom, and dropped it like it was hot! oooo...it felt so good to get it all out.  mom didn't notice my disappearing act, and so i went back into my posh bed in the living room.  after dinner, the other human noticed.  he must have told mom, because man oh man was she mad!  she scooped me up (despite the fact that i was peacefully sleeping in my posh bed), dropped me onto the bathroom floor and yelled all kinds of things.  i have never seen mom so mad.  my nose literally came centimeters away from sniffing up my own poop!  i scurried off into the safe confinement of mom's walk-in closet where i hid for a while.  there's no telling how long mom would stay this mad, since i never saw her like this but one time when i mistakenly bit her in the face.  well who could blame a guy...after all...she was snarling at me, showing me her gums and all.  yup, i stayed in the closet for a good while, every now and then, peeking my head around the corner of the door, but all i kept seeing was the other 6' human snitch staring right back at me. 

what i don't really understand is why humans are allowed to poo in the bathroom and dogs aren't. 

but wow...but the relief i felt when mom later called me into the living room and threw my squeak toy back and forth with me and cuddled me and told me that she forgave me.  i luv her.

i'm in love.

with a girl named, Ellie.  isn't she hot?  she get's my tail in a ruffle.

on being hairless and how i met my mom.

most people stop my mom and ask if i was always this hairless. funny, i never knew i was any different than every body else at the park. i wag my tail just the same. but mom says i'm special and rare and worth a lot of money even though my first human gave me up. he prefered to keep all the other dogs in our yard that were bigger, meaner and stole all my food. you can say i'm lucky to have found my mom (aside from the fact that the nice people who rescued me took me to the dr. first and when i woke up, i was missing something. okay two things.) but she gave me plenty of food which i didn't have to share with big bullies anymore, and i gained enough weight to look dashing again. i can't see any more bones when i look in the mirror! all i see is good-looking, handsome and charming ME! also, that nasty guy who i once called my human always called me Harry which i thought was mean, since it's clear i dont have any hair. so my new mom gave me a much more prestigious name, Albert after Albert Einstein. well of course it's fitting, because i'm very smart, you'll see.